Of finding myself after having children

The whole thing about having kids is quite controversial in my opinion as you’ll have some who prefers to have children and you’ll have some who prefers not to and to me that’s totally okay. Both of the choices have their own sets of pros and cons and only you know what’s best for you and not anyone else.

The backstory

Before I got married, having kids is something that my husband and I wanted. We wanted like, five or six kids (we didn’t know any better at that time haha!) and immediately after our wedding, I got pregnant, miscarried, and got pregnant again right after that. We weren’t really trying but we weren’t actively avoiding pregnancy. We just let nature ran its course.

I had my first baby in September 2020 at 25 years old during Covid-19. I enjoyed my pregnancy and motherhood at that time because we were just spending time at home, it was awesome. At that time, we were staying with my in-laws so I did get help which I’m very thankful for. Almost six months after my son was born (somewhere around February 2021), we were in the middle of moving out with packing and whatnots. I had been feeling off so I told my husband to get me some pregnancy tests. I did the test and it turned out positive. To say I was shocked was an understatement but my husband said it’s okay, it’s a rizq (a form of sustenance in my religion). I gave birth to my daughter in October 2021. It turned out I was almost 2 months pregnant with her when I did the test. Shocking.

So I had two children in a span of 13 months, both delivered via caesarean section. The first three months were spent living with my in-laws and my parents as we transition into having two kids. By the end of December 2021 we returned back to our home and that was the start of my being a stay-at-home mom with two under two.

The motherhood

It was hard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I didn’t understand or even fathom why God blessed me with a second child so soon as we planned on having another one some time in 2023. I made peace with it once I’ve accepted everything happens for a reason and God knows what’s best for me. Now that we’re in 2024, I can see why it happened the way it did and I’m forever grateful for that. My husband is busier than ever and he always has to work outside of working hours (he owns a business) and if we did decide on our intial plan which was to have another kid in 2023, right now I’d be at home with a 3-year-old and a newborn baby probably most of the evenings. Just, no. I’m just glad that both of them are past two years old with my son being 3 years and 8 months old and my daughter 2 years and 7 months old. They are best friends, I let them play by themselves in the playroom (yes I made a playroom for them), and they enjoy each other’s company. What more do I want, really?

The first three years of motherhood was hard. I feel like my life was all about catering to their every little need. In a way, I lost essence of my life, of what made me, me. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel like I have a hobby outside of being a mother and now looking at it, it’s just one of the many sacrifices that mothers do for their kids and it’s not a bad thing at all. Your kids will remember all the things you do and that you are there for them.

Me, right now

I am blessed to have a kind and understanding husband that despite my being at home after resigning in January 2024, he is still sending both our kids to play school for a full day program. He’s given me a chance to choose what I want to do with my life and not just dump the kids to me all day long without considering if that is what I want to do by default. I am the one setting the trajectory of my life. I don’t have my kids standing in the way of who or what I want to be. It is entirely up to me and I know not many people have this opportunity which is why I’m not taking it for granted.

Now I feel like I’m in a comfortable place, mental health-wise. I do think that I’m feeling like the old, pre-baby me that has a bajillion things she wants to do in life. I do think that motherhood will get better if and only if you have a strong support system and in my case, my husband and both of our families. There’s nothing more rewarding than to have an understanding husband that respects you not only as his wife and a mother to his children but also as a person who has hobbies and dreams and needs and interests that are not just being ‘a wife and a mother’.

It will get better, I promise

I like being a mother. Of course, there were days where things were just falling to pieces and all I wanted to do was get away from my children but that was exactly what I needed. Take a me-time. Get your husband to care for the kids for a day. Go shopping. Go to a spa. Go get your hair done and your nails. Watch that movie on the cinema. Have an exquisite meal by yourself. I promise you’ll come back to your kids refreshed as ever. Heck, you’ll find yourself missing your kids like I am right now as they are in school. That’s motherhood for me. And I flipping enjoy it.

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